I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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