Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
She even gives head with a lisp.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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