I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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