Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
