Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
