Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Found the puke drawer
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
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