why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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