So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
