They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
