he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
