my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Randomize
