i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
