a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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