I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
