remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
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