just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Randomize
