cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
