about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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