1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
