that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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