Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Sober January is a disaster.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
