my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
