just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
He felt like a one man threesome
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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