My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
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