He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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