Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
