I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I believe in your delicious
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Randomize
