Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Randomize
