all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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