This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
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There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
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It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
he just fucked me for my cheese..