when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.