Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Randomize
