hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
