I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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