Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
