The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
