Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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