It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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