I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
