so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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