the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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