At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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