Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
