i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
