i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
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is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
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I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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