cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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