Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
