the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
