I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I am full of burrito and curiosity
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
