nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
