Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
