I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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