whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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