I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
The air was thick with penises
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FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"