also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
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We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
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After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.