she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.