Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
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This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
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Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize